It’s been a long time since I posted something in my blog… there were two main reasons behind that… First, it was Ramadan where I could barely find time to use my laptop, and the second is that I got sick in Eid. My body expressed some of its inner rage, I am sure you got what I mean by inner rage, well in case if you didn’t, I got high fever. A lot of people in my life are getting sick or potentially going to get sick but I admit I can never understand their feelings, I only understand when I am sick myself. Imagine, laying on the bed for days motionless, barely moving a hand or leg, feeling weak, can’t do the things you liked to do, emotionless, powerless, waiting for the time to pass quickly so you regain your powers.
While I was on my bed tired, I felt that my bones were melting, I wasn’t sure if I would survive this till I can see the light the next day. One thing I was sure about is that if I had mountains of Gold I would pay to get cured from my illness. I took all the pills and drugs suggested against the cold and fever however, they were useless, while staying on my bed the only thing I was good at was thinking about my past, present and future. Things that happened in the past & I cherished, things I am possessing now, my dreams and objectives….etc I remembered important days in my life, I have rewind the movie of my life, I admit my life was nothing but a very short life, to be honest, all the images and memories meant nothing to me at that moment, yes all things I had and I wanted meant nothing, the only thing I wanted at that moment was to… Survive…
If I was my old self I would pretend to be strong & I don’t need anything, I would say I would slap the disease off, I would smile few times and that’s it, I would claim I am strong and simple sickness wouldn’t stop me to achieve my goals, you know all those tips you get in most western’s self-help books but I am glad I’ve changed. I learned that a disease and its treatment can be a series of humiliations. When God put us in trial or in a weak state where we can’t do anything about, he doesn’t want us to be arrogant and pretend to be strong and that we can rely on ourselves without needing anything else, instead he wants us to ask him for his mercy. Allah said in the Quran
((فَلَوْلا إِذْ جَاءَهُمْ بَأْسُنَا تَضَرَّعُوا وَلَكِنْ قَسَتْ قُلُوبُهُمْ وَزَيَّنَ لَهُمُ الشَّيْطَانُ مَا كَانُوا يَعْمَلُونَ))
سورة الأنعام الآية 43
((When the suffering reached them from Us, why then did they not learn humility? On the contrary their hearts became hardened, and Satan made their (sinful) acts seem alluring to them.))
Holy Quran (Chapter 06 Verse 43)
Even though I got this fever on the Eid, I thanked God for what happened, don’t get me wrong, being sick is not a nice feeling or a desired state, but I found myself in a state I can’t fight back, so I realized it’s a trial from God teaching me a lesson for my mistakes or cleaning my soul. This awareness made me thanks God first for choosing me, there are countless people who don’t get sick so they don’t get the chance to examine their life and what’s important in it, and they might just keep doing wrong things ignoring the existence of Allah. The second reason why I am grateful is that I am still alive writing those words. I can’t think of the people who died because of high fever! I know a lot, so just surviving is a gift I can’t thank even if I kept kneeling to God thanking him for the rest of my life. I am not sure if it was only me or there are others who felt the same, but when the disease stroked me I kept thinking of God more than anytime else, maybe that’s one of the beauty and blessing of the disease, that you forget all the earthly matters and focus on God. I wasn’t able to raise my hands to pray for God nor I was able to shout and cry but deeply in my heart I was calling Allah for help and I admitted that I am powerless I need him where is the Almighty the Most Powerful who doesn’t need anything.