Somehow you find her, your one in the crowd
And brace yourself for opening of your heart
You can’t help it the first time you say hi aloud
When she smiles you know you’ll never be apart
Graceful and smart, both witty and sweet
You love all about her, her face and her eyes
Her hair and her clothes, her legs and her feet
How she gives advice, both helpful and wise
You fall for the first time and she doesn’t leave
She picks you back up and holds you so close
She makes you want more and you start to believe
You just want to tell her but can’t be verbose
You’ve lived thirty years and she’s lived the same
You want to spend fifty or more in her light
Remembering that before you even knew her name
You’d fallen in love with all of your might
She laughs when you joke, even when they are bad
Her touch is like Heaven, healing your soul
She never abandons you, never gets mad
She’s you’re other half, and she makes you whole
She’s cautious but does not avoid the bad times
Her open arms wait with a love that is true
And so with the simplest and smallest of rhymes
You tell her through this, “Baby, how I love you.”"Perfection" Is Copyright To AbdulAziz Mohammed 2010
Hey There! Mind you I'm only offering a helping hand in the name of improvement...so la t7i6 f 5a6rk wala tiz3al cuz mb 8a9di at all k?
ReplyDeleteHere goes...
Instead of
Somehow you find her, your one in the crowd
And brace yourself for opening of your heart
You find her.
One among the crowd
(Shorter sentences add a sense of immediacy and Urgency)
You find her...Somehow (Wistfulness, repetition also emphasizes finding Her! The one!)
Your heart expands (Nicer than Opens) and you brace yourself. (Switching the sentence around shows exactly wht ur bracing urself for)
These next couple of lines honestly you could write better. They are too ordinary in the face of what u are describing. Hi and smart, legs and witty...
You can’t help it the first time you say hi aloud
When she smiles you know you’ll never be apart
Graceful and smart, both witty and sweet
You love all about her, her face and her eyes
Her hair and her clothes, her legs and her feet
How she gives advice, both helpful and wise
I like this line. You need to expand it. The falling, how she could leave...why...the stumbling, mistakes pride...I'd like to see more. More metaphors too
You fall for the first time and she doesn’t leave
She picks you back up and holds you so close
And so with the simplest and smallest of rhymes
You tell her through this, “Baby, how I love you.
^ This is anticlimatic and can be improved. Plus a lot of ur endings are a bit disconnected from ur beginnings. U need to find a way to tie the whole thing together akthar. Plus sometimes it seems to me that u limit urself with the rhymes. In the end, everything is up to you w this only a point of view.
Good luck w sorry if i bothered u
Thanks alot for your beautiful comment, can I correct the mistakes and use your suggestion! meaning I update the poem? thanks alot such comments I highly value them.
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